Liner Notes

Sammy and the Snake Charmer’s Union’s CD The Monkey Speaks his mind is done being recorded. Now comes the more monotonous job of mixing and mastering the CD. Thanks for doing this for me Jon.

I use Jon because he has a fresh pair of ears and no preconceived ideas about the songs. He can go wild with effects and playing with the sounds we recorded. I’ve heard what he did with Moustashe’s Cd Trailer Daze, and George’s bare bones CD Goin’ Native. Jon is a master of thinking outside the box with glorious results.

I’ll be doing my own artwork for my CD. In fact the artwork created is the same as the header on my blog. The cover and name came first. The Blog second.

The liner notes or the words on the inside of the cd, is where I’m having my problems. The thank you’s are tough because I don’t want to leave anyone out. I’m bound to and will sheepishly apologize. I’ve dedicated the album to the three “Gs” George Ozier, Greg Ozier, and Garrie Carlen. All three of them had a major effect on my musical upbringing. I describe it in detail on the CD. I thank all the musicians who played and gave up their time to play on my wacky collection of songs. Easy. Thanking the people I trusted to listen to it and give me their opinion or just plain giving them a sneak peek. Thanking the people who inspired the songs. My old bands, and bands that I know and inspire me. Either through their friendship and support with the making of the CD. Also just friends who have helped me through the past few troubling years. Now that I see the sunshine more than the clouds they have become even more important to me and I don’t want them to think I don’t love and appreciate them and will never take them for granted.

Here is the problem: Part of me want’s to finish the notes with a message to those others who helped inspire an album full of happiness, inside jokes and love songs. The song ”The Monkey Speaks His Mind” is the only dark song on the record but I’ve always loved the old New Orleans talking blues and it’s views on man. Some of the views turned out to be prophetic.

“Here’s another thing a monkey won’t do, Go out at night and get all in a stew, And take a gun, or a club, or a knife, and take another monkey’s life.” ~ The Monkey Speaks His Mind.

Do I put that last twist of the knife and dedicate Bob Dylan’s “Positively 4th Street” to the crappy people I’ve known through out my whole ordeal?

I was thinking about doing it something like this:

I dedicate Bob Dylan’s “Positively 4th Street” to the uncaring, lying, cheating, and stealing ex, her heartless children,unchristian Ministers, band members who never returned the loyalty given to them, a decade of fair-weather friends who chose to follow the wrong friend. To the liars,back stabbers,both literally and figuratively, and their families who never showed compassion or apologized for the acts. The parents of a few families in Jewett, IL who are clueless and have over blown egos. To the women who made their ex-boyfirends jealous by using me, for texting the guy next to us while I was taking them out, for using me as their door mat, and for those who never considered the feelings of others. Listen to this CD and know it was also inspired as a fuck you to all of you. The love, jokes, and happiness on this album is an answer to all of you. You deserted me when I was down but you failed to realize I wasn’t out. I’m stronger, smarter, and a better man than all of you.

I didn’t record the Bob Dylan song because I wanted to put as much effort into making something for you as you did in reaching out a helping hand when I needed it, which is none. I can look my self in the mirror. Can you?

Now a few months ago I realized I was still trying to get back at these people. The hate I had for them even fueled my happiness. Kind of like “screw you I’m happy in spite of you.” I don’t want to feel that way. I want to be happy because I am happy. I thought I had reached that point. I let it go remember? But writing these liner notes made me want to dredge up the last word on the subject. I must not have let it all go. I feel like I have. I don’t get angry, I’m understanding by seeing things from other’s point of view. Somewhere getting deeper inside me is that angry man who wants to get in each person’s face and tell them how it felt. I’m still not too good to mention to them they didn’t text or call when I needed them. But through it I saw who my real friends are, met some great new friends, dated women I always found attractive but never said a word to because I was married. I’ve rekindled a friendship that is blossoming into something more. Without the pain would I have appreciated the love, kindness, and just the fact she likes ME?

I would really like some feedback on this. I’m torn. I’m not sure I want such a negative thing on my CD. It’s like a bad tattoo, It follows you forever. But part of me wants them to know they helped me make such an album. The CD is good. Real good. Much better than even I expected. There are some wacky songs on there. I did listen to a little too much Zappa in my younger years. But there are also more than a handful of love songs, lust songs, and songs about cars and story songs. There are some gems. each song had a person or a situation in mind. Soul Leech Records, the Co-Op record company I use, demands that your songs be honest no matter the style. It is an honest album, filled with my thoughts and loves and sense of humor.

Things are going great with B.B. the woman I’ve been seeing. I don’t get to see her as much as I’d like but when we do get together it’s always a wonderful time. Her eyes haunt me.

It also looks like The Bombshells project is a go. I have the complete band together (knock on wood) and we will start putting this musical project together soon. I’ll have to make a complete blog about this project. I’ve been too windy already.

Tattoos did someone say? Well once again I’m in the mood to start finishing these sleeves. I’ve been walking around for years half-finished. Not Dave’s fault but mine. Come Check out his new studio Living Color Tattoo. I go in at 11:00 Monday morning. Come by and chat while I set and cry because it hurts. Someone come and hold my hand!

Once again, help a brother out and give me some feed back on this liner note thing. Speaking of Bob Dylan he said “You really don’t know a person till you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, then it really doesn’t matter because you are a mile away and you have their shoes.”

Here is the song I didn’t record for those assholes. The lyrics are way too true… I couldn’t find Dylan’s but Simply Red did a nice version. Plus you have lyrics if you ant to sing along. they fade out out on the best line but you’ll have read it anyway. Enjoy!

RIP my dear friend.

It took a while, but V’s gone. She’s not dead, just the girl I knew and fell for is. The woman I knew was killed Feb 22, 2010. Her husband came and stabbed me three times in the most cowardly way. I stayed and fought him off before he killed V and Michele.

Lyle spent 90 days in jail waiting to post bond. He has two class X felonies charged against him. Home invasion, where after he called his friend to watch the kids, walked 40 minutes to what he was thinking was my house, he snuck in my mom’s house with a knife he brought from home, hid in the kitchen for 15 minutes and then snuck up behind me and stabbed me in the back. I’d say after his emailed threats he may have pre planned this. I have two witnesses, the cops came in after I had stopped him by punching him in the face a few times. Lyle then wrote a confession to the police and told pretty much the same story we all did. At least he’s not a liar, well on that night he wasn’t much of one. He may have lied a bit when he said we argued but i rarely argue with a knife welding maniac with my back to him. Oh well if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime, as my father used to say to me. It looks like he’ll be doing a lot more time than he expected. I don’t think things turned out the way he was expecting but in the end he has won. Except for the prison gang rapes. I’m sure he wasn’t counting on that.

V was a mess. I stood by her. Stood up for her. Loved her. She handled the situation by crying, I handled it with anger. She never tried to understand how I felt about it and we broke up. Still with love. She texted every day to get me back and after I had worked through it then she changed her mind. She loved the attention I suppose. She loved to break down at work long after the fear had went away. She changed. The loving girl I knew became selfish, a liar, a cheater and absolutely void of respect for anyone, including her own children.

Soon she started dating a pedophile. She didn’t care that she had two little girls in her home as long as she had attention. Lyle even tore up his car and she still didn’t believe he would do such a thing, but did think I would. Luckily I had an alibi. She doesn’t get Lyle is a homicidal maniac and will kill. Good luck leaving him now. She’ll be a dead woman.

She gained my trust for the umpteenth time and then as the last stake in the heart has reunited with the manic who stabbed me and her.

It’s funny she’s on the other side of the table. Lyles parents don’t want her around. Her parents chose a killer and a pedophile over me. I learned right then that they were two idiots. When I say idiots that’s a nice term and putting it lightly. Her Dad and Mom have an over inflated ego for no reason. They don’t have the sense God gave a goose. Oh well fuck em. Maybe next time it’ll be their kitchen Lyle is hiding in and then they can tell me how I should have handled things. When Lyle goes nuts thinking about the guys V saw and had in his bed, he’ll kill her. Their choice. I can’t protect her any more and that was all of their choices.

There is a deal in the works and this entire incident could be put behind us this very day. The weight of Lyle going to gang rape prison is now on his family’s shoulders. Years of having your asshole reamed by a group of scary men seems to mean nothing to them so they are messing around. Keep it up and you’ll get your wish, I really don’t care what happens to him, Ok that’s a lie, I like the thought of him being anally raped. If they want him to be a father, son, and husband, then they will step up. If they don’t I won’t blink an eye before sending him to prison. As my friend Bugs pointed out, “It won’t be jail, he’ll be in prison with other stabbers.” Sad. I’m sure the Wellbaums don’t think my life is worth it but it looks like they don’t think His is either. Tough shit for him. Say good-by to the kids for a while, See your boy again when he’s 20 and explain why you traded my life for his. Oh well that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Sorry Lyle, with the sympathy and apologies you, your family and friends have given, which is none, I have none for you. Maybe you all should have taken a look at being kind. I’m a very kind and forgiving person, unless you stab me, and unless you lie to me V.

Lyle won, the V I know is gone forever and this new one has a life of fear ahead of her. At least she won’t be bored of him anymore. She left because she wasn’t happy. Lyle was boring. Now sleep with one eye open honey. Hide the knives, the next one may be pointed at your throat.

I’ll miss my love and mourn the death of a friend. The V I know today isn’t the person I knew then. Just like the Lyle she knew then isn’t the same. I Have let all of that go. I’ll move on with my new girl who does seem to be breaking down the pain and the walls I’ve had up.

This girl seems great. She’s beautiful, kind, thinks of others. She think about my well-being as well as her’s and her children. I respect her for that. She has the character to tell me the truth and is proud to have me as her man so far. It seems too good to be true. After spending a year wrapping my world around V. Trying to keep her safe whether we were together or not, I have put up a wall and have a hard time letting people in. This girl took the time to find the door. I can’t believe it. Just when you think they all liars and cheaters, here comes one to change your mind. She likes me for me and isn’t trying to change me to suit her. I think she’s great the way she is and I’m pretty sure she thinks the same of me… we’ll see it’s a little early in the game to know what will happen but I have hope. Hope was the last thing I held onto for V. She’s gone RIP… I loved and will miss you my friend.

On to new things…. I should blog more I have some great things coming up. New Cd is close to being out. It’s being mixed right now. Mustash’s CD is close to being out and I played a gig with them and a bunch of Bass on their CD. George’s CD is out! It’s great pick up a copy or down load it. Here it is..

George Ozier – Goin’ Native It’s a fantastic CD and we are getting great reviews and quite a bit of radio play. Call you local radio station and request it!

Till next time my friends…

–Sammy

Letting Go…

Ok, so here is a huge step for me. Between My shrink, therapist and a kick in the ass from Lisa, I’ve decided to let go of all the anger and resentment I’ve been fueling my life on for the past few years.

It’s strange how that fire has not only made me bitter and hateful on the inside and if I don’t know you very well you wouldn’t know it. I realize I used the hate even to be happy and nice. Like kind of Fuck you to those who brought me this anger.I’ll show you. I’ll be happy so you don’t know the pain I feel. Its like letting go of an old friend that has been there for years.

The anger part is gone. I’ve had a long weekend and some damaging words said to me, but it didn’t make me mad. It upset me quite a bit but at least it’s not anger. As those regular readers know I have a sharp tounge and the better your arguments you give me the sharper it gets. It’s an old habit I learned in Wu. We did it as fun, and we did it to hurt each other. Find that chink in the armor and then twist the knife. It lead to some very funny moments on the road and the gigs. Pat can cut you to the quick with a statement. It’s always true and he uses it in a way that makes you actually feel better about it. He knows your weakness will point it out and still be your friend. He does it to be funny and doesn’t mind you swinging back. If you couldn’t use your noggin in Wu those guys would cut you to bits.

On the other hand it’s not a good habit to get used to. Unless you are with someone who handles it in the same way it’s tough to get used to. It’s also a mean way to argue. That’s gone too.

My shrink tells me there is nothing I can do about my past just the way I handle it. Lisa pretty much said the same thing, then a little more. I got to find out what her and her friends think. She spoke for them. So now there will be no problem with that either. No burdening of friends with problems. I hope they also remember that I try to make them smile and am here for them no matter what. It’s what friends are for.

I’ll read a little more on Buddhism. I love the book Siddhartha. I’m reading it again. Siddhartha is on a spiritual journey to find his faith. Between that and the Prophet I should have the answers to all my problems. Rome wasn’t built-in a day and I don’t expect this to work over night but I’m trying with all my heart. Lisa is right people are flawed. I won’t take it personally. I might avoid the situation but I won’t dwell on it.

The girl I have been seeing had some very special words last night. “Don’t be doing things you shouldn’t because I need you.” and “The guy I know is sweet and fun and makes me smile” Thanks pretty lady I haven’t heard those words in way too long. They will go miles and I will think of them when I start to get down or angry. She sees me for me. She see’s past the hurt and anger inside. She knows with a little love and understanding I’ll make it.

My blog has hurt people. It was meant to. It kept me from exploding in fits of rage. Saying things that hurt to people I care about. I won’t be doing that anymore if I can help it.

Becca–It’s gone
Ya-Ya’s— Gone
Poprocks—Gone
Countless others — Gone

I’ll harbor no ill will and I hope you can all do the same. With some help from my shrink and therapist, not so much from Lisa I tend to annoy her with questions. She’s been trough it so i can’t blame her for not wanting to rehash old memories. So thanks for the start Lisa. I will take your wonderful idea and run with it. Hell I pay a therapist isn’t that his job? Thanks again. I’m forever in your debt. I will pay without asking anything in return.

To everyone else thanks for the patience and understanding. It’s a great day and I will make it that way everyday. My slate is clean of hurt and resentment. Please accept my apologies.

The making of an album (or CD for those too young to know what an album is)

Wow. I’m a song or two from being done with my latest CD. It’ll be the first solo CD I have ever done. Yeah it’s a vanity CD. An unwanted and unasked for CD. No one has ever came to me and said “Sammy I want you to put out another album.” Well you got it anyway. It’s coming along great and I’m excited to see the finished project but I have a way to go before I get there.

You might think making a CD is as simple as walking in with a band and bashing out some tunes and then sending them to the CD printer. But it’s nothing like that at all. It’s a little tedious at times but most the time it’s fun tossing ideas around, listening to a song that you created that day and that wasn’t here yesterday. It’s like magic. Here’s how you do it, or how I do it.

Step 1. Decide to make an album. It’s not as easy as it sounds. You have to be ready to give up a lot of your time, plus be inspired, plus a focus on the type of CD you want to make. Can you afford it? Will your family or girlfriend be angry when you are in the studio… Can you sell it? Do you even want to sell it?

Step 2. I usually have a few songs or pieces of songs I’ve worked on and forgotten. A chorus here, a line or two there, some chord changes. I write best under pressure. When I walk into the studio I do have an idea of the type of album I want to make. I’m a roots rock guy so the instruments I use mostly are guitars, bass, both electric and upright, acoustic drums, Organs, and pianos. I’m lucky enough to know plenty of musicians so if there is something extra like banjo or Dobro, I know the guys to call. This time I had a title for the album already “The Monkey Speaks His Mind” the blog was named after it. The title is from an old New Orleans talking blues. I’ve always loved it and the story it tells. My version is recorded and one of the first songs finished for the CD.

step 3. The studio. I’ll go in with about 4 or 5 songs and a bunch of covers (other people’s songs I’d like to redo.) During my time there I write more and replace the cover songs with original compositions. I’ve worked with Both Jon Clarkson and George Ozier on albums. They are both great in their own ways. Jon is a perfectionist. He’ll spend hours getting the sounds he wants trying different microphones and placing them in different spots to get different sounds. George on the other hand works quickly. Set up your amp dial in a  good tone and get to playing. Both have their pros and cons. Sometimes taking too long to get set up takes away from the enthusiasm of laying down a part, sometimes the sound actually inspires you.

Since I don’t have a band in the studio, I’ll bring my songs to George. Play them, work out the parts if needed and then we go in to the keyboard and record a “sync track” its a drum track that simply repeats at a certain speed. A person naturally speeds up and slows down while playing. You’ll never notice it but when you are trying to put another part on and the tempo is off, you will be too. Drum track down, I’ll play the guitar over it with my arrangement of the song. Intro, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, verse, chorus….out. That how a commercial song is put together. I use it a lot, but not always. Mixing it up can make for some interesting results. Take a look at Stairway to Heaven by Zeppelin. It speeds up, there is no chorus. It’s the most requested song on classic rock radio and it doesn’t follow the commercial pattern at all. Weird. After that I usually lay down a bass part. Not all of these tracks are always kept. Sometimes a different part is called for so you redo it.

Rarely do you play a song all the way through without making a mistake. Onstage you’d never notice a bum note here or there or a chord not fretted correctly. In the studio all these things stand out and if you don’t fix them you spend the rest of your life wishing you would have taken the time to fix it. So we play the parts as many times as it takes to get it right. Sometimes we’ll record two or three different parts and chose from them. If you play a good take but there is a mistake in it we “punch in” or just record the messed up part. Sometimes we add the vocals or a scratch vocal to the song just to get an idea of what it’s going to sound like. the melody and tone. We usually end up rerecording that later. Then I take the finished backing tracks home.

Step 4. Brainstorming. After I get the backing tracks I listen to it over and over trying to decide what instruments to use, arrangements of the instruments, changes to the song, effects you want to use.Vocal backups arranged or at least written. Changes to the words, and melody. This is where you get to be creative.

Step 5. Laying down the rest of the song. I’ll go in play guitars, bass, maybe a little keyboard, while describing what I’m going for to the recording engineer. In this case its George. We’ll argue over instruments, me wanting to add everything plus the kitchen sink and him wanting it to sound naked. We usually compromise and the outcome either blows us away or we remove it. George played a lot of guitar on this CD and tons of keys. I’m not a keyboard player but I can play a little George on the other hand plays well and why should I play crappy when he can do it. I do the same for him on bass quite a bit, and sometimes guitar. Then you spend the rest of the time lining up who you need to finish your track. Book a drummer. Female backups, call the girls. Horns? Call the horn players and schedule them. The list can go on and on. No wonder it takes a year to make an album of 3 minute songs.

Step 6. Finishing the song. At a certain point, to me at least anyway. A song just sounds done. You listen to it over and over. Sometimes it needs something else. You don’t know what but it just seems not finished. Try a harmonica, mandolin, keyboard, percussion…etc. Till its finished.

Step 7. Repeat steps 2-6 until you have enough songs to fill an album. If I had a band that I played these songs with a lot I could probably make the CD in about two weeks. I don’t and prefer to make this using the musicians I want for the parts.  So it takes some time.

Step 8. Mixing. So I have all the parts of the song I want recorded now we have to blend them together, put effects and EQ’s on things to make them thicker, or less pronounced, louder, quieter. It’s a tedious process that I hate and usually leave to someone else. Jon Clarkson of X-Krush will be mixing my CD. He can also change the entire sound of the song. His main purpose is to make it sound good with all the parts where they need to be. A simple example of this is Van Halen 1. The bass comes out of the left speaker the guitar out of the right, the singer and the drums come out of both. Play with your pan button on your car and you’ll see how they place the instruments  where they are.

Step 9. Mastering. After listening to mixes you have probably listened to the same batch of songs at least 1000 times by now. Your kind of sick of them, you lose perspective. Are they any good? Will people like them? Are they the greatest songs ever written? If your like me you float back and forth between loving and hating it. You play rough mixes (quickly mixed versions) for those you trust to tell you the truth or your musician buddies and get an idea of what they like and what they don’t. Sometimes I follow their advice and sometimes My favorite parts are others least favorites. There is no right or wrong, just opinions.

The entire group of songs are then mastered. They are put together in the order you want, made to sound like they were all recorded together to give it a consistant flow. Placing the songs with the standard 2 seconds between them, and getting the CD as loud as you can without it distorting. Its kind of like smoothing out cement. The songs are put into the truck, the truck spins and mixes them together so the become concrete, and then its dumped into where ever you want. Mastering is the smoothing out of the cement. Making it look like one piece of sidewalk.

Step 10. Art work. I’m a graphic artist and do a lot of CD covers so doing my own is fine with me. I don’t have to check with anyone, just play with it till I like it. Making liner notes, thank you’s, giving credit to the writers and musicians who played on your CD. I usually do this while it’s being mixed and mastered which can take a month or so after the CD is “in the can.”

Step 11. Proof. Is everything how you want it, songs in the right order, does it sound good on your home stereo, car, or huge sound system? Hopefully yes to all of them. Are names spelled right? Did you forget someone important? (Like thanking Kelly.) If you mess it up now you’re gonna be living with it for the rest of your life.

Step 12. Having it printed. Send the artwork and cd to the printers. They’ll in turn make it into the CD, package it, Bar code, shrink-wrap it, and then send it to you. That’s one long week. Even scarier when you have 1000 Cd’s setting in your living room and you wonder how in the hell you are gonna sell em.

Step 13. Promote the CD. Sell the damn thing, get reviews, play it out, get it on the radio, get it to bigger companies who may be interested in picking it up and selling it or signing you to make another CD for them. Lets not forget by the first time anyone hears it, you have listened to it a million times. I usually listen to the entire thing when I get it and never play it again for about 6 months. All the while you have to be excited about it, talk about it, and sell it. Don’t put out another one too soon or it’ll stop the sale of the current one.

By this time you get what is known as “Finished Album Blues” you work so hard to get it done then all of a sudden your done. No running to the studio, no fighting with George or Jon, no decisions, just time on your hands that you haven’t had for a year. You start thinking about your next CD… Start all over at step 1.

I had a ball making “Love Is” that Becca and I put out under  Becca Kaid, (her stage name) I co-wrote most the CD and played on it. Mixed it with Jon Clarkson and also produced it with Jon. We had fun writing the songs, recording and touring with it. Becca and I put out a good CD with two minor hits in Europe on it. We hit #99 and #64 on the top 100 songs there. Sure they fell right off but damn it Becca and I broke the top 100 twice. More than I could ever have imagined. Sold all the CD’s too!

I did three CD’s with Dr Wu. Our EP “Fingerpoppin” Worst cover ever. Do You “Wanna play Doctor?” Which was released after I left the band but I was the guitarist on all the stuff, and “Dr Wu Live at the Mark Cornell benefit” Not an album I’m especially proud of but it is a picture of the night. George is too drunk, but thankfully Becca, Pat and Mark sang songs on there and saved the day. Mark put out all three Cd’s and I haven’t seen a dime from any of them. LOL! Oh well I wasn’t expecting to.

My cd has some wonderful cuts I think

“Fireball 8″ is about my old 49 Buick and after George tweaked the lyrics it’s now about my 49 Buick and his penis. I get to play with Garrie Carlen on guitar. A musical mentor, and great friend and guitarist. Dueling master and student…Garrie is still the master.

“Come On Katie” a love song to Katie that never worked. She loved the song. I rarely tell anyone who my songs are for but Katie deals with depression like me and I thought it might make her feel good to know someone thought enough of her to write a song about her.

“Lookin’ For Trouble” just rocks.

“Howl at the Moon” Some girls with long legs just make you wanna howl at the moon!

“Lola” is my latest and my favorite so far. Teddy Pedergrass eat your heart out!

Plus about 8 or 9 more. They all mean something to me. I hope they strike a chord with you too. It’s a happy CD. I bitch a lot on my blog to release frustrations but I am happy. I refuse to put out a negative album. Like a bad tattoo it’ll follow you for life. I want a happy record to celebrate love, love lost, love never gained, monkies, cars, and even George’s penis. Celebrate my friends and make you smile when ever you pop it in.

Thanks for listening

Sammy and the Snake Charmer’s Union (that’s my band name)

Here is Steve Earle and the Pogues recording “Johnny Come Lately” They are doing it live as a band. I do it the same just one instrument at a time. Oh yeah listen to as much Steve Earle as you can!

Happy Birthday To Me… I’m three today!

Ok It’s not officially my birthday. About this time exactly Labor Day weekend, I was setting in my car with a hose in the tailpipe, smoking cigarettes and listening to Miles Davis in my car. I was down an old tractor path and over a hill… Peaceful, quiet, Except for the sound of Miles’ trumpet. No note, no regrets, just wanting the pain to stop and everyone who was supposed to love me more than life to go away.

A few minutes into this scenario a man comes up on a 4 wheeler. Thinks I’m doing drugs down there and was going to run me off. He comes up to the window and I break down. I was so calm before and this stranger from Philadelphia gets me out and talks to me. the entire time I’m shaking, crying uncontrollably, and refusing to tell him anything except my family doesn’t give a fuck and they are all I have. Becca had made sure that I never stayed close to my real family, it’s easier to control someone when you make them think they are the only ones who care.

He finally found my phone in the car with one bar left on it. Becca had went to a party that she uninvited me to because for the hundredth time she wanted a divorce. She loved dangling my security of having a home wife and kids over my head. It was her little sadist way of beating me up. I never considered it in my life, hitting a woman, but I should have beat that bitch black and blue for what she did to me.

Becca wouldn’t answer so the man called the Becca’s folks house and they put her through. I’m telling most of this second-hand since I don’t remember much about this. We went to the gas station uptown and Becca’s minister father and Becca came to pick me up. Becca drove the car home and Roger drove me. For a minister he sucks, not a kind word, nothing. It probably wouldn’t get him in the handout at church so why bother , right? Becca gave me a Xanex put me to bed and went back to the party where she came home the next day and I had my shit packed to get some help. Two days “resting” at three west, a change of medication that actually worked and I was on my way to being right. I was feeling better..getting stronger and bam! Becca throws me out again. This time I was strong enough to stand up. Shakey but stand up. We pulled it out another year, she cheated and lied and hung around friends that were just like her, Fuck you TJ, Tracy, and Jamie. You all share many things in common, being cunts is just one of them I showed real friendship to all of you and in return I got a back stabbing.

What would cause Becca to change so much? Or did she really change? Hell you can’t make a purse out of a sows ear. When I met her she was fucking half of Effingham, some for free some for money. She was married to Dan at the time so what did I expect? We always hit it off and could make each other laugh, but somewhere along the line she didn’t care if I lived or died and she proved it by leaving a suicidal man to go to a party with her brother and sister.

The Family. They think they are the greatest. I used to set there at holidays and listen to wonderful stories about all the great things they were and how everyone else is jealous. Katie, didn’t get along at school, cause she was a spoiled bitch. Sherry was so wonderful the greatest nurse ever. She was fucking the black guy she worked with, Randy her NASCAR loving, cock sweep mustache wearing, closet homo (not that I’m against homosexuals, just Randy) would have killed if he would have known those same lips he kissed were wrapped around  a prick a few hours earlier (paraphrasing David Alan Coe). Travis, Mr. I’m so funny, was never funny. We had to all feel bad for him because his wife left him. He would call her fat, come home and fuck around like he was single. His wife on the other hand joined a gym, met her goal, found a guy at the gym and told Trav ”See ya later turkey my attorney will be in touch!” (That was from Jerry Reed). She was beautiful big or small. he fucked up, but according to the family Jennifer was bad. Mother in Law was so stupid she thought they were always right and never wrong…Becca told me stories of her taking them to have coffee everyday with some manager at a restaurant. I’m sure she never told Roger she was having an affair. I don’t know that for real but Becca assumed it was so I’m taking that from what she told me. Roger just sucked. A hypocrite minister, who wouldn’t do a thing for anyone including his own kids if it were to cost him a dollar. But stand there on a pulpit and he’s the greatest. He’ll visit parishioners but not his son-in-law who is raising his grand kids while his daughter is out training or screwing someone. (Yeah early on it was me so I know she wasn’t too good to cheat.)

I’ve paid for my mistakes and lack of morality when I was young. I lost a great wife and a great friend and lover and probably the biggest love I’ve ever had Kathleen over this. Since that time I didn’t lie, cheat, or be disrespectful to my wife whether she was right there or in another room. I’ve paid for it in guilt and depression, dangling my life and security over my head for eight years. I help and volunteer where I can just to pay for my sins and the pain I caused Shannon and Kathleen. I’m still paying. I pay for it with my heart and the girls I’ve seen since, with friends who aren’t really friends, But I’ve learned a thing or two in the process. I can tell fake people pretty quick, self-centered, mean, no character, no respect…these flags all come flying. When I let my guard down they sneak through and I’m reminded again.

The girl I’ve been seeing came over last night since I’ve been running through this all in my mind all week as the holiday came around. I’m gonna tell you what she said as she was half way home. “Ur so awesome i  just adore u” written in text speech just like that. It was the best birthday present I have gotten in ten years. It had love, and thought behind it, there were no ulterior motives or needing an ego pumped. It was just what she was thinking on her way home and we did nothing but set on the couch and talk and laugh. Now that’s how you celebrate life.

I still get bouts of depression. I still haven’t decided if I choose life or death. But I do know that 1% who see’s me for me. Who knows me well enough to look past the scars and see the man I am. Laura wake up! I’m the man you need! (Ok that just came out…)

Happy Birthday to me and It’s been a rough three years but it beats being with the McIntire clan. They will self destruct someday. Thanks for all the well wishes Jensin and Kaid, you heartless brats. I should have grounded you more and never bought you everything you ever wanted and made your mom get off her knees long enough to watch your games, take you to the Dr., or any of the other million things I did for you long before your Mom deserted you. Glad you know how it feels!

I have to let this anger go… There is always next year…