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As everyone who reads this blog knows. I have very little faith in my fellow human beings. I run out a little more every day. But through this I have met some of the greatest friends of my life. These are the people who after all the bull shit I see I can turn to and laugh cry or just set there and shut up and it’s okay. I’ll skim over the little shit in this blog and get to my friends. So here are my good deeds and my punishments for them.
1. Got to tell a great friend that her boy friend is a pedophile. She didn’t believe me even though I got it straight from the horse’s mouth. So now I don’t get to talk to her since I took myself out of the picture so she didn’t think it was just a spiteful thing to say to get her back. I miss her but if it saves her kids from being molested then what the fuck. I’ll trade my friendship for the horror a child would have to go through. Punishment…being called a liar, no friend… a child molester on the loose.
2. Becca (no not that one) we had a wonderful date and then comes her old boyfriend who she still loved back into the picture. I understood, she was upfront and how could I blame her for taking not going with her heart. We left as friends. She called last week crying..before we could get to what was wrong she said she couldn’t cry in front of her kids and she’d call the next day. She didn’t. I texted her a few times the next morning with a joke and concern. I was then reprimanded for texting her at work. Then I come home with an email saying bla bla and if you don’t like the way I’m dealing with you then fuck it. Well I responded,” Instead of saying fuck it, I think the proper response would have been thank you for your concern.” So light the match and get ready to burn the bridge Sam. “Since you should treat others as they treat you…Fuck you Becca…you make it easy”. Punishment…No friend Becca and a waste of my time for being concerned and helping another friend.
3. Been seeing a little of this pretty girl. Going slow, coffee, video games etc. small kiss. We made plans for coffee last Sunday because I had to play shows all weekend. I’m playing a show in Teutopolis. Private party. Well guess who shows up and then comes up to me before my last set. The pretty girl!. How exciting! Then the guy she was with came up and they dirty danced hugged and kissed all through my set. I felt about an inch tall. No call for coffee from her the next day of course. I texted her Tues. She didn’t understand why I would think that was a little cold and heartless. Maybe it’s me but I still think that was wrong. Punishment… No new friend/relationship, arguing over class and character. She’ll get it someday and don’t tell me she didn’t know…she did. Lack of compassion on her end and another brick around my heart.
4. A pretty good friend was having a bad day facing her depression for the first time. I offered to come up and see her and tell her how to get started on the road to recovery. That was great. Its easier to talk face to face with her than text. What would take an hour face to face could take four or five texting and calling is not an option for certain reasons. So I take off to help and then was gonna stop by the benefit jam for Rick Neese at Toasters. As I’m driving up there She’s ‘Ok” and “It’ll be fine, I’m just gonna think about things tonight.” and no answers. So I just skipped it and told her when she wanted the help text and I’ll be happy to help her. I go to the jam and step out for a smoke with Brett the drummer for 5 Gone Mad and guess who pulls up boyfriend in tow. She got a better offer… This is the second time in 24 hours that this happened. She then started texting me the next day. Out of guilt no less. “You should have stayed, I wanted a drink to clear my head of the bad thoughts, bla bla bla.” I didn’t run up there because I wanted to go I went to help a friend. Punishment… feeling like an ass for the second time in 24 hours.
These were all “nice” girls. I didn’t meet them at gigs. I didn’t put on any bullshit cool lines or felt I needed to. I was myself and it looks like they were themselves too. Are 99% of people that uncaring? It looks that way. But I have a great group of friends that give me hope.
George, my archenemies, partner in crime and music, and best friend till the end. I don’t tell him enough but he’s the greatest no matter if he is “crazy as cat shit”
Beth my little potty mouthed angel. We became friends by sharing a cubical wall at Patterson. The first one to see my pain after my divorce and all the Effingham friends deserted. We’ve been close ever since. Peas and carrots 
God damn I love and miss her. She would have set these bitches straight LOL.
Jenny, my friend since school. A true love of my life. We’ve seen the bad baby now its time to see the good. You are the greatest and even if I don’t get to talk or see you as much as I want, I think about you everyday.
Lisa, we are pretty new at this but have become closer than I ever expected. Watching old movies at our separate homes has become a favorite thing of mine to do with you. You always have the right thing to say and know when to kick me in the ass. I love talking silly shit with you and hope you know you can turn to me for anything. Read her blog, Lisa’s Fresh Hell. She’s no dumb bimbo, don’t underestimate her… be kind to her.
I talk to these people everyday. They know absolutely everything about me and the struggles I see. George ignores them, Beth gets mad, and Jenny sympathises, Lisa kicks me in the ass. Depending on what I need I know who to go to.
There are so many that I talk to and love also. I’m not as close as these four but pretty close. Shelia, Lola, Kathleen (yep that Kathleen, and yes I’m still in love with her),Laura, the Dougs, Rod, Merv, Garv, Heather, Heather and Travis, Cyndi, Tommy, the Edwards Boys, Brandi, Poss, Marna, Pat, Amy, and Liz. I know I’m forgetting some and they mean no less to me than the others…It’s still morning and I can’t think
I’m still the new guy in 5 Gone Mad. Brandi and I have become a little closer but she definitely keeps people at arm’s length. Brandi, George, and I got together to work on some music for her. She wrote this song “She’s everything you’ll ever need” Come to find out Brandi listens and watches more than I knew. The song is about me. It tears me up to listen to it because she nailed it right on the head. Great fucking song, but please don’t write about me any more. So now without her permission I made a quick video so you can hear the tune. Wow talk about killing me softly with her song. Thank you Brandi, I’m honored to be the subject of such a wonderful song. This is a demo and not the finished song so take it for what it is…it’s still a nice recording. You took a brick or two away just for the thought. Too bad it reminds me of the last ten years and especially this last year. You have now filled a Brandi sized hole in my heart. Bless you!
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I always knew that you were a deeply passionate person and every word you write proves that more and more. I love you Sam and nothing or no one will EVER change that. My only wish is that I could do more for you, to hoist you on my shoulders so the whole world can see what a great man you are so that the woman who matches your soul can finally reach out and grab you by the hand ! You have always been my rock and I couldn’t have made it through the last few years without your love and support THANK YOU will never be enough
First I should tell you how I stumbled upon your blog. I saw you comment on BNB’s thread on Facebook…..I thought ‘there’s Sammy!” No, I don’t know you , but I know those who do. I hate to even say it…..PopRocks people. (Now, don’t go throwing stones at me.) I was there to witness the disintegration of the whole thing. It was sad to watch. We knew SOMETHING was desperately wrong, but not exactly WHAT was wrong. Heard rumors…..God, how rumors fly around when it comes to bands! From what you write in your blog, some rumors were true….just distored a bit, or contained incomplete info. I’ve not see the band in ages.
I’m glad to see that you are hanging in there as life moves along. I hope you soon discover that your figure of 99% of people being uncaring is inaccurate. I have to believe otherwise, or it makes life intolerable. And believe me…..I’ve been through some pretty awful stuff, and ironically, I am currenty caught in a shit storm not of my own making. God, ya gotta laugh, or you cry, and I’ve done plenty of that.
I’m glad you are surrounded by a great support system of friends, and that you are back in a band and doing the thing you love. BTW: Brandi has a beautiful voice! I’m gonna have to try to catch you guys sometime. I’d like to hear her sing in person.
Take care Sam……there are a large number of good people out there (even those of the female persuasion)…..please don’t give up on humanity just yet.
Helyn, Next time we play or you see me out please come up and say hi.
Band romours are a dime a dozen never believe them. I did tell the truth in my blog. It weird how not one of the guys I started a successful business with wouldn’t speak to me at all. Not a phone call , text, or email. Oh well we’ve made peace, I still resent it They followed the money and it turns out Becca didn’t know how to make it so they are sucking up the last of the dough before finally going under instead of stopping on top. They are a joke around the musical community but that just what they tell me, they probably tell them the same about me.
As for BnB Tad and Jon have known each other for a long while and I got to know Jackie from doing her site. LOL Becca was always jealous of her. Much younger I suppose. Becca is still probably the best singer/entertainer out there but other than that I don’t have much nice to say about her or her family. I think i’m supposed to do 3 road dates with BnB when Jon’s baby is due. So I’ll be a temp but we’ll be in Wisconsin.
The Poprocks Ya-ya’s on the other hand are definitely a bunch of lying backstabbers. They did it to each other as well as me. It turns out through the romour mill Becca’s marrage is on the rocks, she deserted her kids, lied cheated and stole and its now coming to bite her in the ass. Karma Baby.
No the scars run deep, the mind fuck Becca did on me has made me a little different, the stabbing (which Jensin, Becca’s daughter told a friend of mine they all thought it was funny) has made me a little harder but mostly the women I see do it. I’ve pretty much given up on it and don’t care, I have friends who I love and who love me and won’t run when Becca rings her bell like the lemmings in Effingham (except Michele and Susan).
Please keep writing in the support I get from this site is amazing. And If you ever need the truth about anything come to the horses mouth I’ll answer. Plus iI know lots and lots of dirt…hee hee hee
Thanks again and drop me a line sometime!
–Sammy
Well, I was definitely not one of the PR Ya’-Ya’s (I believe you are referring to a group a gals from the Effingham area). In fact I always felt intimidated by them, though I don’t think I ever spoke a word to any of them. Lol!
I, along with a couple of friends, saw BNB at Slider’s Friday night. Jackie & Tad are a hoot! And I can’t believe that Jon cut all his hair off. The place was absolutely dead ~ I don’t have any idea what was going on that night, but apparently people had other things to do besides going to Sliders. Jackie asked Kelly (Smith) to come up and pay tambourine on a song. Instead of heading for the stage, Kelly runs out ot her car to grab HER OWN ‘glambourine’. She certainly does enjoy being on stage….and who else but Kelly would carry a tambourine in their car? That girl’s one of a kind and ya gotta love just as she is, that’s for sure!
From what I’ve read, your relationship and divorce was brutal on you. Don’t feel alone,many of us are survivors of awful ex-spouses. (Mine was a special piece of work ~ a police officer who somehow along the way, managed to completely lose his soul. and truly believes he’s ruler of the universe. God, talk about ego. I think the proper psychological term would be sociopathic meglalomaniac. Or at least it sounds good. Ha!)
And the whole ” brick wall around your heart”. That’s the exact phrase I have used to describe myself since I was a teenager. I’ve always took the stance that to love someone…to really let them in, is to give them the power to hurt you beyond belief. So my wall stood strong. Even through a VERY long marriage I never really took it down.
Then I finally met someone who I thought I could trust absolutely. I took a chance and took down that brick wall about 8 months ago, and really let someone in ~ I let him see my soul, which is a risky thing to do. As a result, I got bit in the ass and I am currently resetting that brick wall, all the while kicking myself in the ass for being so stupid as to trust someone so completely.
Conversely, I am aware enough to know that to truly experience what it is to be human requires us to love. But that’a a damn scary prospect. We are all flawed beings that end up hurting each other in one way or another, whether intentionally or unintentionally, somebody always seems to get wounded.
And “yes” Karma is indeed a bitch sometimes. Lol!
Well Sammy, good luck building that brick wall……..just remember not build it too sturdy, because someday you just might find it neccessary to take it back down. I, on the other hand, am reinforcing my wall with rebar! Tee-hee-hee!!
Farnk Zappa says “Broken hearts are for assholes.” Well we know what it feels like to be an asshole.
I’m not scared to open up really. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not scared to be affectionate, loving, and to put my love above myself. I’ve seen it in return. Shannon and Kathleen were that way. Becca, well no one will ever love Becca as much as she loves her self. She and her entire family have never gotten a thing without taking something from someone else.
I’ve had a few relationships since Ive been single but they didn’t really go anywhere. Either I wasn’t ready (I jumped right in after my divorce) or they aren’t. Ive been looking for flags now so I don’t get mixed up with another “Becca”. If someone is too self centered to care if they hurt you then a big go away is what they get. I believe its my turn to recieve a little of what I give, I can’t find anyone willing to take that chance really. They are usually fine until something they think is better comes along and maybe thats partly my fault for having that wall and not letting them in. Fuck I dunno.
Kelly is a hoot. She definitely loves the stage. Haven’t seen her in a long time. She followed the gang and I must not have been good enough to still be a friend too. It’s a shame because I know those bitches didn’t give a fuck about her or anyone else. They have their little club just so they can keep others out, then they talk about each others hubbys and screw them behind each others backs and then lie to each other. It’s funny how clueless they are. I could tell each of them a story that would cause a divorce today! But really I don’t give a shit. It cracks me watching them implode and Karma come crashing down.
Really Helyn, I’m good with faces, but bad with names. I know I’d recognise you if I saw you. Please keep in touch.
Hey Sammy,
Ah ha! I knew something screwy was going on with that group! I never really spoke to any of them ~ never had a desire, nor a need to, I guess. The whole group gave up a really weird vibe. In fact, I wondered if one of the married couples had an ‘open marriage’ (which I feel is a REALLY bad idea…..fidelity is the upmost importance an any relationship). Gosh, it’s nice to have a gut instinct validated
Regarding Kelly, I don’t think her not keeping in touch was a matter of you ‘not being good enough’. I don’t go out with the girls very often, but when we do, there is not usually alot of deep conversation. I suppose that could be because the blaring music gets in the way of conversing
Anyway, I don’t get the impression that she’s been in much contact with the group of women to which you were referring. Plus, she battles with her own depression, which can make her unpredicable at times. Like I said in an earlier post: ya gotta love her as she is. 
You don’t recognize my name, because it’s not my real name. It’s a combo of my middle and last name. I’m not trying to hide who I am from you. I just want to be able to freely say what I feel without worrying of others who might stumble upon it. (like ex-an husband) Nothing is truly private on public web postings
You might not even recognize my face. Plus, you always stayed up on stage during breaks. I think you addressed that issue in an earlier post & said it was because you were struggling with the depression & just need to stay out of the fray.
I’ll ‘friend’ you on facebook ~ you may recognize me…or perhaps not
Well, gotta run, I’m heading to the Arthur Cheese Festival. Woo-hoo! Who doesn’t like cheese?!?! Actually, I’m going for a lemonade shakeup (I’d walk 5 miles just to get one!) and also a local group called “The Henningsens” are going to perform at 5pm. I went to school with one of the daughters & had a huge crush on her big brother when I was in 7th grade. Ahhh..memories. Anyway, they have been spending a lot of time in Nashville writing songs with, and for, some popular country singers. (Country’s not my thing, but I’ll give it a shot today.) They also recently auditioned for some pretty important agencies & reps. I think they’re gonna blow up big in a few years. It’ll be cool having famous people from our little podunk town!
Have a great day Sam!