Happy Birthday To Me… I’m three today!

Ok It’s not officially my birthday. About this time exactly Labor Day weekend, I was setting in my car with a hose in the tailpipe, smoking cigarettes and listening to Miles Davis in my car. I was down an old tractor path and over a hill… Peaceful, quiet, Except for the sound of Miles’ trumpet. No note, no regrets, just wanting the pain to stop and everyone who was supposed to love me more than life to go away.

A few minutes into this scenario a man comes up on a 4 wheeler. Thinks I’m doing drugs down there and was going to run me off. He comes up to the window and I break down. I was so calm before and this stranger from Philadelphia gets me out and talks to me. the entire time I’m shaking, crying uncontrollably, and refusing to tell him anything except my family doesn’t give a fuck and they are all I have. Becca had made sure that I never stayed close to my real family, it’s easier to control someone when you make them think they are the only ones who care.

He finally found my phone in the car with one bar left on it. Becca had went to a party that she uninvited me to because for the hundredth time she wanted a divorce. She loved dangling my security of having a home wife and kids over my head. It was her little sadist way of beating me up. I never considered it in my life, hitting a woman, but I should have beat that bitch black and blue for what she did to me.

Becca wouldn’t answer so the man called the Becca’s folks house and they put her through. I’m telling most of this second-hand since I don’t remember much about this. We went to the gas station uptown and Becca’s minister father and Becca came to pick me up. Becca drove the car home and Roger drove me. For a minister he sucks, not a kind word, nothing. It probably wouldn’t get him in the handout at church so why bother , right? Becca gave me a Xanex put me to bed and went back to the party where she came home the next day and I had my shit packed to get some help. Two days “resting” at three west, a change of medication that actually worked and I was on my way to being right. I was feeling better..getting stronger and bam! Becca throws me out again. This time I was strong enough to stand up. Shakey but stand up. We pulled it out another year, she cheated and lied and hung around friends that were just like her, Fuck you TJ, Tracy, and Jamie. You all share many things in common, being cunts is just one of them I showed real friendship to all of you and in return I got a back stabbing.

What would cause Becca to change so much? Or did she really change? Hell you can’t make a purse out of a sows ear. When I met her she was fucking half of Effingham, some for free some for money. She was married to Dan at the time so what did I expect? We always hit it off and could make each other laugh, but somewhere along the line she didn’t care if I lived or died and she proved it by leaving a suicidal man to go to a party with her brother and sister.

The Family. They think they are the greatest. I used to set there at holidays and listen to wonderful stories about all the great things they were and how everyone else is jealous. Katie, didn’t get along at school, cause she was a spoiled bitch. Sherry was so wonderful the greatest nurse ever. She was fucking the black guy she worked with, Randy her NASCAR loving, cock sweep mustache wearing, closet homo (not that I’m against homosexuals, just Randy) would have killed if he would have known those same lips he kissed were wrapped around  a prick a few hours earlier (paraphrasing David Alan Coe). Travis, Mr. I’m so funny, was never funny. We had to all feel bad for him because his wife left him. He would call her fat, come home and fuck around like he was single. His wife on the other hand joined a gym, met her goal, found a guy at the gym and told Trav ”See ya later turkey my attorney will be in touch!” (That was from Jerry Reed). She was beautiful big or small. he fucked up, but according to the family Jennifer was bad. Mother in Law was so stupid she thought they were always right and never wrong…Becca told me stories of her taking them to have coffee everyday with some manager at a restaurant. I’m sure she never told Roger she was having an affair. I don’t know that for real but Becca assumed it was so I’m taking that from what she told me. Roger just sucked. A hypocrite minister, who wouldn’t do a thing for anyone including his own kids if it were to cost him a dollar. But stand there on a pulpit and he’s the greatest. He’ll visit parishioners but not his son-in-law who is raising his grand kids while his daughter is out training or screwing someone. (Yeah early on it was me so I know she wasn’t too good to cheat.)

I’ve paid for my mistakes and lack of morality when I was young. I lost a great wife and a great friend and lover and probably the biggest love I’ve ever had Kathleen over this. Since that time I didn’t lie, cheat, or be disrespectful to my wife whether she was right there or in another room. I’ve paid for it in guilt and depression, dangling my life and security over my head for eight years. I help and volunteer where I can just to pay for my sins and the pain I caused Shannon and Kathleen. I’m still paying. I pay for it with my heart and the girls I’ve seen since, with friends who aren’t really friends, But I’ve learned a thing or two in the process. I can tell fake people pretty quick, self-centered, mean, no character, no respect…these flags all come flying. When I let my guard down they sneak through and I’m reminded again.

The girl I’ve been seeing came over last night since I’ve been running through this all in my mind all week as the holiday came around. I’m gonna tell you what she said as she was half way home. “Ur so awesome i  just adore u” written in text speech just like that. It was the best birthday present I have gotten in ten years. It had love, and thought behind it, there were no ulterior motives or needing an ego pumped. It was just what she was thinking on her way home and we did nothing but set on the couch and talk and laugh. Now that’s how you celebrate life.

I still get bouts of depression. I still haven’t decided if I choose life or death. But I do know that 1% who see’s me for me. Who knows me well enough to look past the scars and see the man I am. Laura wake up! I’m the man you need! (Ok that just came out…)

Happy Birthday to me and It’s been a rough three years but it beats being with the McIntire clan. They will self destruct someday. Thanks for all the well wishes Jensin and Kaid, you heartless brats. I should have grounded you more and never bought you everything you ever wanted and made your mom get off her knees long enough to watch your games, take you to the Dr., or any of the other million things I did for you long before your Mom deserted you. Glad you know how it feels!

I have to let this anger go… There is always next year…

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