Letting Go…

Ok, so here is a huge step for me. Between My shrink, therapist and a kick in the ass from Lisa, I’ve decided to let go of all the anger and resentment I’ve been fueling my life on for the past few years.

It’s strange how that fire has not only made me bitter and hateful on the inside and if I don’t know you very well you wouldn’t know it. I realize I used the hate even to be happy and nice. Like kind of Fuck you to those who brought me this anger.I’ll show you. I’ll be happy so you don’t know the pain I feel. Its like letting go of an old friend that has been there for years.

The anger part is gone. I’ve had a long weekend and some damaging words said to me, but it didn’t make me mad. It upset me quite a bit but at least it’s not anger. As those regular readers know I have a sharp tounge and the better your arguments you give me the sharper it gets. It’s an old habit I learned in Wu. We did it as fun, and we did it to hurt each other. Find that chink in the armor and then twist the knife. It lead to some very funny moments on the road and the gigs. Pat can cut you to the quick with a statement. It’s always true and he uses it in a way that makes you actually feel better about it. He knows your weakness will point it out and still be your friend. He does it to be funny and doesn’t mind you swinging back. If you couldn’t use your noggin in Wu those guys would cut you to bits.

On the other hand it’s not a good habit to get used to. Unless you are with someone who handles it in the same way it’s tough to get used to. It’s also a mean way to argue. That’s gone too.

My shrink tells me there is nothing I can do about my past just the way I handle it. Lisa pretty much said the same thing, then a little more. I got to find out what her and her friends think. She spoke for them. So now there will be no problem with that either. No burdening of friends with problems. I hope they also remember that I try to make them smile and am here for them no matter what. It’s what friends are for.

I’ll read a little more on Buddhism. I love the book Siddhartha. I’m reading it again. Siddhartha is on a spiritual journey to find his faith. Between that and the Prophet I should have the answers to all my problems. Rome wasn’t built-in a day and I don’t expect this to work over night but I’m trying with all my heart. Lisa is right people are flawed. I won’t take it personally. I might avoid the situation but I won’t dwell on it.

The girl I have been seeing had some very special words last night. “Don’t be doing things you shouldn’t because I need you.” and “The guy I know is sweet and fun and makes me smile” Thanks pretty lady I haven’t heard those words in way too long. They will go miles and I will think of them when I start to get down or angry. She sees me for me. She see’s past the hurt and anger inside. She knows with a little love and understanding I’ll make it.

My blog has hurt people. It was meant to. It kept me from exploding in fits of rage. Saying things that hurt to people I care about. I won’t be doing that anymore if I can help it.

Becca–It’s gone
Ya-Ya’s— Gone
Poprocks—Gone
Countless others — Gone

I’ll harbor no ill will and I hope you can all do the same. With some help from my shrink and therapist, not so much from Lisa I tend to annoy her with questions. She’s been trough it so i can’t blame her for not wanting to rehash old memories. So thanks for the start Lisa. I will take your wonderful idea and run with it. Hell I pay a therapist isn’t that his job? Thanks again. I’m forever in your debt. I will pay without asking anything in return.

To everyone else thanks for the patience and understanding. It’s a great day and I will make it that way everyday. My slate is clean of hurt and resentment. Please accept my apologies.

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